As a recovering alcoholic, I identify with the agony of endless relief seeking. To feel “ok” was to obliterate myself in a descending routine of alcohol and drug abuse. To feel “ok” was to isolate myself from my loved ones to protect my addiction and shame. To feel “ok” was to numb myself into an alternate reality and wake up in the emergency room (more than a few times). I believed that being honest would be more agonizing than the state of sickness I was already in. In the end, to continue to be dishonest was to die and at that point I was sick of wanting to die.
It was terrifying to sit with myself and my thoughts which I had been avoiding for a lifetime. These moments of intentional action cannot be sugarcoated. Recovery is raw and it is reality. At birth, an infant takes thier first breathe of air outside the comforts of their mother.
When the umbilical cord is cut and no longer delivering vital oxygen, the baby’s lungs must inflate with air for the very first time. The force in which an infant must inhale to inflate the lungs is 5-6 times greater than the force of any breathe they will take during thier lifetime. Hormones produced by the mother’s body can help ease the tension in the lungs to help with this first breathe, but babies born premature often have difficulty breathing because the baby is born prior to this hormone being produced during the end of the pregnancy.
When we approach recovery from all sources that cause us pain, we are so similar to a newborn taking their first breath. A most significant challenge but ultimately gives us life.
Recovery
re·cov·er·y (noun)
/rəˈkəv(ə)rē/
a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.
Suffering can appear both obvious and hidden. Discomfort due to hunger, dissapointment, rejection, grief and loss can seem easier to identify. Other types of complex stress, childhood/generational trauma, or any form of locked-away wounds are difficult to unravel and ultimately seek relief from.
In either case, when we strive to escape moments of discomfort, we suffer. Seeking instantaneous relief to avoid the crushing weight of our problems can never sustain lasting relief. Instant gratification is a temporary measure that can develop into toxic behavior, substance abuse, and addictions of many forms.
People seeking to recover from addictions and trauma are deeply familar with the desire to escape. The emotional burden of shame, fear, and sorrow can feel more devastating than physical pain. Abusing alcohol and drugs or engaging in destructivie behaviors may intially appear to offer relief, or a brief escape, from suffering.
When all you have ever known was how to avoid yourself the barriers that stand between you and your first yoga class or the first time you ask for help are one in the same.
